The Enemy

I haven’t seen her in years. I haven’t thought about her in months. I hadn’t even thought about the whole saga in weeks. But there she was and here I was and we were walking into the same private function. Exclusive. Limited Numbers. Black Tie Only. Fine Dining and Wine Fine. Private Room. RSVPs ONLY. – All fantastic sounding caveats on a party (I mean, really what is the fun in going to anything if it doesn’t have a guest list? There is simply no sense of achievement or dignity otherwise) but when one finds oneself at The Party with all these caveats and the Enemy walks in – it only spells unavoidable trouble.

I know it’s terribly unladylike, but I do find that childish tantrum throwing is just so, well, satisfying. If only it were more socially acceptable to hurl your champagne glass against a wall, screech and charge at someone with your stiletto. But it’s all about poise these days isn’t it? In the adult world there are so many more rules! I remember being six and being angry at my sister for breaking my crayons, so I snapped the head off her doll. Perfect tantrum throwing. And we all moved on from that quite comfortably.

So when I saw her, the Enemy, at The Party. I did indeed consider bowling a few canapés at her head. But it was Black Tie Only. The quandary: how to throw a Black Tie Only Tantrum...
I started by switching from champagne to red – a well oaked cabernet sauvignon (the most likely contender for causing irremovable and irreparable staining upon spillage). Then I laid the all important ground work for exquisite revenge at The Party – I poured my heart out to the barmen. All five of them. Every detail was embellished and enriched and totally pitiful and by the conclusion of my horridly graphic anecdote demonstrating the true evilness of the Enemy, the barmen were riotous.

A riotous barman is essential to Black Tie Only Tantrums.

My other key secret weapons were:
1. I am great at telling stories to a group;
2. I have an unnecessarily loud voice; and
3. I knew one dirty little secret about her involving two boys, first year end of uni term drinks and the varsity swimming pool.

The Black Tie Only Tantrum proceeded as follows:

Commenced conversation with group at the appalling state of programmed televisions shows ‘these days’, deviated conversation to reflection on popular culture generally, zoomed conversation into celebrity antics particularly (all the while employing said unnecessarily loud voice and drawing many laughs from my audience). Then recounted the documented exploits of Britney Spear that I had recently read online. The exploits here – included two boys, end of year drinks, and a varsity swimming pool.

“And THEN,” I continued, sure the Enemy was within earshot, “She said, look boys, there’s no need to take turns, I’m sure I can accommodate –“
And perfectly, the Enemy spun around, bumping into me. I pulled the ole Italian footballer trick and exceedingly overreacted to the bump, spinning, and tipping my wine all over her and then stumbling into the arms of one of the audience.

The barmen arrived pronto.

“You have had too much to drink!” She tsked at her, and before anyone could say “What did Britney Spears say next” the Enemy was whisked from The Party.

It turns out adults can throw tantrums. You just have to be clever and strategic about the whole thing.