Ede Kane at the office

Sometimes I think I should rename this blog - I am never at The Party. I have had brief moments where I have flitted through The Party, but my life at The Party has been reduced to almost nothingness.

This is Ede Kane at the office.

What is it about crying? You can receive a super blow and hold your shit together but if someone opens their heart and asks you if you are okay, you lose your shit.

Why do we lose our shit when people love us, and we are able to hold it together in front of people who hate us? Isn't it the people we love - aren't they the ones we want to be strong for? Why am I holding my shit together for someone who hates me, and in all emotional logic - I should probably hate back?

And then at the end of the day the only real hating going on is hating of yourself and the only really loving going on is incomprehensible and intangible through all your self flagellation.

It's a mixed up, messed up world at the office.

I always wish I was back at The Party.

I looked at my pictures of Montmartre and I wish....

Judge a book by its cover - judge a person by their friends

It occurred to me at 3am on Saturday night, that before 3am Saturday night, I had never even seen any of the three girls I was talking to.  We were immersed in nutting out of the girls’ five year plan.  But it wasn’t just me as the outside, they didn’t know each other before this Saturday night either.  In fact, as I looked around me I realised the only person I knew out of the thirty or so party-goers in our very crowded corner was the Birthday Girl.

The Birthday Girl and I were new friends, but she was one helluva girl, so I came along to her b’day bash.  The Birthday Girl is one of those bubbly, insatiably positive and uplifting goddesses that has friends from all walks of life.

I believe you can judge a book by its cover: -

a)      Saves time.

b)      It is quite telling- old/new?  Publisher with a lot of money/self published? Era, genre, length, etc, etc.

Just as you can judge a book by its cover – you can really judge a person by their friends.  This effervescent Birthday Girl was brilliant enough and popular enough to bring together people who may otherwise have never even given each other a sideways glance.  And here we all were, French martinis in hand, booties shaking and good times being had all round. 

Which  restores my faith – the good people are out there, you just have to search for them, and hold on to them when you find them.

Hold on to them for dear love’s sake.

The Listmaker

I make a list for everything.

I write my shopping in a list - not just my grocery shopping, my future shopping too.

I write birthdays in a list.

I write, on average, two to three to-do lists a day: a work to-do list, a home to-do list, and a to-do list I call the "life" to-do list.

I feel like it makes me organised. I feel so powerful and successful and confident whenever I can cross something off the list.  Striking out something you have achieved is a unique kind of uplifting bliss only the truly obsessive compulsive could ever truly understand.

But the shame - the horror - the failure and the defeat to close a day with a to-do list glaring at you with outstanding entries.

The paranoia - the defeat, the descent into hollowness and antipathy.

The spiralling out of control as the list grows then again the next day - more to do - more still un-done - hovering, waiting, scorning.

The list giveth and the list taketh away, at the start and close of each and every day.

Bitchin' Central

All the earth and all the love
All the stars and all the skies
Oh why does it take all my life and all my heart
It's never yes and never no
All it is, is to and fro
And I'm never knowing which way to go
All the money and all the time
All the oceans and all of the roads
All of the mountains and all of the hills
All of the fish
In all of the sea
All of the air
Terminal and velocity
Oh it's never yes and never no
Always just looking through, standing apart
But I've said take all of my life and all of my heart
I've give you all of my mind
just to find a way there
Chasing understanding
Never landing
Never knowing
Just to-ing and fro-ing
And hit and miss
Can this be fixed
And my my my I hope so.